Simple Relaxation

Beware The Flip Flop Bottle Opener

by Jake Wheeler, June 13, 2009

I don't know who invented the thing, but I would like to go on record as not being a big fan of the flip flop that doubles as a bottle opener. While I will admit that having a bottle opener underfoot, if you will, is convenient, I believe it to be unsanitary. I don't really like people to put their feet near me as a general rule. Especially strangers. Even helpful ones. Even helpful ones who want to open a beer for me. I would rather wrestle the cap off with my teeth. Just the other day I was contemplating just that very thing with a beer that I thought was one of those trick caps that you can just twist off, when what he would call a "good samaritan" came along...

"Hey chap, let me help you out." He grabbed my beer and proceeded to open it with his flip flop. He didn't even bother taking it off his foot. He had to hop up and down on one foot and rely on my shoulder for balance. When all was said and done, the beer was quite shaken up, as was I. It foamed up like a geyser, half of it immediately soaked up by the sand. "Here you go!" he said exultantly, proffering me my own beer back, as if he had done me some huge favor. It was all I could do to not run off screaming. I politely took my beer, turned around, and immediately headed to the bathroom. I cleaned up the bottle and all was fine. Half a beer is half a beer after all.ﾠ

If someone offers to open a beer for you, and they are wearing flip flops, you would be best to decline.

ﾠ

--The Relaxed One

5 Signs It's Time For A Vacation

by Jake Wheeler, June 11, 2009

1. You fill your bathtub with water. So you can snorkel in it.

2. You stare at your paradise screensaver for minutes on end, crying audibly.

3. Someone says good morning to you in the hall and you bite their head off. Literally.*

4. You wear flippers to work.

5. You spend your free time laying out. In the kitchen. Trying to get a tan from the oven.

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*This is also a sign of insanity.

The Beach Never Asks For Your Email Address

by Jake Wheeler, May 30, 2009

It seems like everyone wants your email address these days. There are many stores and services that will simply ignore you if you don't have one. They might even turn you into the authorities for suspicious behavior. And if you do have one, they will remind you of it every day, until you have such an overwhelming number of emails that your inbox explodes.

Not the ocean. Nope. You can go to the beach day after day and not once will it rise up and demand information from you.ﾠThis is a very good thing. And it could explain why whales decided to move into the ocean. (Not to go off on a tangent or anything, but I have a hard time believing that whales used to live on land. Just picturing a whale with feet, walking around, whistling out of that hole in their back, perhaps doing some bird-watching...well, it just defies belief.)

Studies show that the average person that lives in the world is exposed to upwards of sixty seven million advertisements a day. That's a pretty big number when you realize that it includes the San Bushmen, who live in the Kalahari desert and survive by drinking cactus juice out of straws. So it's no wonder that I have more clients than I care to think about. I had one client who, every time the phone rang, he would start to cry. It used to be, the phone rang, you just answered it. Now it freaks people out.

Are you overwhelmed by technology? Then it's time to visit the beach.ﾠ

ﾠ

--The Relaxed One

Relax, It's Just A Pink Slip

by Jake Wheeler, May 5, 2009

Getting In Over My Head

by Jake Wheeler, May 5, 2009

The ocean shifts around all the time. This is something most people don't have to be told. After all, you don't need to be an oceanographer to figure that one out. But we are all human beings. Which means we are quite capable of doing dumb things. And by we I am referring in this case to me. Such was the case with me just two days ago. I was filming some promotional videos for The Reef - as the resorts in-house relaxation guru, not to mention it's most charismatic personality - I am contractually bound to do such things from time to time - which is quite boring. (You don't really see the boring parts when you watch a movie or a television show, but I can assure you that fame takes a punishing toll on one's patience. To be an actor is to learn lots of hobbies while waiting around. A lot goes into it. Lights, for example. And a camera. And some guy screaming behind it at people to move around.) Anyway, I was very tired from standing around all day pretending to be who I am. (Here I go again. Off on another tangent. But in order to be successful in the world of the camera, you must amplify your personality a little bit. Being yourself on camera is a real no no. They will tell you not to act and just be yourself and when you do they will accuse you of lacking energy and dragging the energy down. It's a delicate dance, is acting)

Once the shoot "wrapped," which is industry parlance for "over," I found a beach chair, walked out to The Reef's famously long white beach and stared out at the ocean. It calms my nerves to look at the ocean. At least I think it does. I'm no nervous wreck, so I don't know. It certainly is relaxing. It's hypnotic - the sounds and the breeze and the light - and it gets you out of yourself. For someone like me, it can put you almost instantly to sleep. I was out in no time...

I didn't wake up until I realized that I was soaking wet and no longer in a chair and underwater and a parrot fish was staring at me. He looked like he was talking to me. And maybe he was. But I couldn't hear him, what with not speaking parrot fish and being underwater and all. He probably wondered why I was in the water and why my eyes were open and why I was staring at him. He swam away. I came to my senses and realized that the chair was a couple hundred yards away being yanked out of the water by an enterprising young man who no doubt thought the ocean was giving out free chairs. I then had a sneezing fit. Then I looked around and saw it was - cliche alert - another beautiful day in paradise. I made my way as quietly possible to my residence so I could clean myself up. It would not do for the other employees at The Reef - or the guests for that matter -to know that I had fallen asleep in the ocean. Not that it would surprise them. I'm one relaxed individual. I'm the guy that suddenly falls asleep in his soup bowl at Thanksgiving. But never mind that.ﾠ

Let this serve as a cautionary talk. The ocean is beautiful and relaxing and hypnotic. But it will move around on you. And - at least this is what I took away from my experience - if you forget about it, you'll lose your chair.

Watch What You Say

by Jake Wheeler, May 4, 2009

The title of this sounds like something your mom would tell you in the car on the ride home from church. But I'm not scolding you. I don't do that. I'm here to help. But I'm no nag. No, the title of this post is in regards to what people tell themselves internally. Or externally. Or both. But not neither.

I meet people at The Reef who are looking to relax. They are, in fact, desperate for it. When they see me, I usually start out by suggesting they take deep breaths and relax. And, no sooner are the words out of my mouth when they up and say something like, "I can't..." Maybe you do this too. If you hear the voice in your head saying you can't do something, it makes it pretty hard to do that thing. I tell this to guests, and now I'll tell it to you: you are what you tell yourself; when you hear that voice in your head telling you something is impossible, just ignore it. It doesn't know what it's talking about. It's only getting in your way. Eventually that voice will save itself and stop telling you that you can't do things. Once that happens, you'll discover that you actually can. Now there are exceptions to the rule. If your voice looks across the Grand Canyon and says, "You can't broad jump this..." It's right. But not for other things. Like relaxing. And say, going on vacation. Maybe some place like The Reef...

Are You Relaxed? Are You Really?

by Jake Wheeler, April 28, 2009

A lot of people come to The Reef "to relax." At least that's what they tell me. But then they would tell me that, what with me being a relaxation guru and all. And it makes sense. You don't come to The Reef to become an astronaut. But some of the people who come here and claim to be relaxing are as busy as a person preparing for an Olympic Decathlon. So intent are they to relax that they can't seem to sit still. They grab a chair by the pool, apply sunscreen, and get out their beach read. They relax for a full minute, or go through the motions of relaxing (usually their leg is shaking or their foot it jiggling) then they're off again to relax somewhere else. By the end of the day these people have been doing so much relaxing that they're wiped out. Because they're not relaxed at all. They're moving about constantly, as wound up as they are at home, and as driven to be productive and get things done as they would be at home; and by the time they get home they need to relax from their relaxing.ﾠ

For these people - and you know who you are - I suggest a longer vacation. Some people can relax for a long weekend and be refreshed. For others it takes two or three days for paradise to work its magic and lure the relaxation out of them. True relaxation. Not the kind of relaxation in which you have to always be doing something or you'll go crazy; but the kind of relaxation in which you are doing the opposite of something, which is nothing, and that's okay.

You will know when you reach that point. And so will the people around you. Because you'll suddenly, somewhere around the third day, notice that there's an ocean right in front of you! And you'll want others to know as well. And they will look at you as if you've gone mad. But you haven't gone mad. You've just finally relaxed enough to take in your surroundings. At The Reef, if you listen closely, you can hear these people all over the resort. "Hey! The sun is setting!" "Hey! There's a dolphin out there!" It always feels good to hear. Because it means that one more person has joined the throngs of the truly relaxed. But it's inevitable really. Paradise gets everyone in the end.ﾠ

--The (truly) Relaxed One

There's Never A Right Time To Go On Vacation

by Jake Wheeler, April 23, 2009

People waste a lot of time waiting for the right time. If you're waiting for your boss to come up to you one day and tell you to go on vacation - that, by God, you deserve it and it's the perfect time - well, you'll be waiting a long time. In the work world, there are no perfectly positioned lulls, with the exception of sitcom television, which goes on hiatus every year and teachers who get their summers off. The desk will never be empty and the work will never be finished...

Nevertheless, for your own sanity, you need to take a break every now and then. Notﾠ just any break either. Taking days off to run errands isn't a vacation. It's a second job. You need to truly get away for a vacation to be considered a vacation. A place to wile away a few days thinking about nothing and doing less. To relax. To give your brain a chance to rejuvenate itself and prepare once again for the daily stressors that modern life throws its way.ﾠ

To those that "can't imagine not working," I'm talking to you in particular. Working hard is fine, but if you ignore your body, you will break down. And nobody wants a broken down dude wandering the hallways licking paint off the walls. Studies (somewhere, probably) show that taking a break makes people more effective over the long haul. Think about it. Even your heartbeat has its ups and downs. Otherwise it would just be a flat line, and that's no good for anyone.ﾠ

Sure. There's never enough time to get it all done. There's never a perfect time to get away. Invariably your vacation will wind up being right in the middle of the most important work-related thing in the whole history of the world ever. It's just the way these things work. There's never a good time to get away.ﾠ

But there's always a good time to be away.

ﾠ

-- The Relaxed One

National Stress Awareness Day.

by Jake Wheeler, April 21, 2009

SPRING FEVER

by Jake Wheeler, April 9, 2009

It happens every year: the sun comes out; the humans come out; and they don't want to go back in. Spring Fever is here. You know what I'm talking about. Your brain is in a constant fog and you can't think about work at all. You're in meetings and people are saying things and you act like you're listening and all the while you're thinking about getting back out in the sun and acting like a human being. In the old days, back before we invented civilization, humans spent all of their time outside enjoying nature. At least they did when they weren't being chased by wild animals with sharp teeth. It was only recently that we came up with all sorts of inventive ways to avoid the sun.ﾠ

Unfortunately, most people can't just go out and enjoy the warm weather. They're paid not to. That's where vacations come in. And The Reef. If Spring Fever is getting the best of you and you can't afford to refuse to sit at your desk, it's time to book a trip to The Reef, where you'll be free to indulge all of your Spring Fever tendencies - stress free. Frolic in the sun. Walk on the beach. Enjoy a drink by the pool. Stay up all night. Do whatever you want whenever you want. It's all possible.ﾠ

Welcome to The Reef: your Spring Fever headquarters.

-- The Relaxed One

If April 15th Is Tax Day, April 16th Should Be Reef Day

by Jake Wheeler, April 9, 2009

It's that time of year again. That time when you have to figure out how much of your money you owe the government. It's fun! For absolutely nobody. But who knows? You might get some money back. If that's the case - even though it's not a tax write-off - spending your tax rebate on a trip to The Reef is quite possibly the single greatest thing you could do with it. For your state of mind anyway. For one thing, there are no accountants. No guys in suits with badges from the IRS snooping around. There's rum, of course. A quarter mile of white sand beach. A spa. Snorkeling. And not an H&R Block in sight. It's the perfect escape. I should know. I escaped here years ago. And I don't regret a minute of it. Now I've got to go look for an empty lounge chair...

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--The Relaxed One

UNPLUG YOURSELF

by Jake Wheeler, April 8, 2009

I see people all the time roaming around on "vacation" with a Blackberry in their hand. They look at it frequently. If it beeps, they jump out of their skin: if it doesn't, they wonder why. This is not my idea of how a vacation should operate. You can't relax if you are always wondering if you have permission or not.ﾠ

It used to be simpler. It used to be you went on vacation, you had no choice but be on vacation. There was no email or Blackberries or cell phones to find you wherever you went. You just up and disappeared for a few days. You were forced by the lack of technology to truly get away for a while.ﾠ

And that's what I like about The Reef. Sure, it has Meeting Rooms and it has internet access and it has all the stuff that culture and jobs demand. But it does so only grudgingly. It still operates to make sure you know that you are surrounded by timeless beauty. Itﾒs not happy about joining the 21^st century. It's a resort, of course; but it's not a theme park. The Reef is timeless. It will never go out of style as long as vacationers are looking to simply relax and get away from it all.

You can come here and spend your whole vacation doing exactly what you would do on the mainland. But if you do, we, and by we, I mean me and The Reef, have failed in some way. Because our job is to help you rejuvenate. So you can return to the real world with a refreshed perspective, renewed energy, and - of course - a nice tan.

Meditation CD

by Jake Wheeler, March 25, 2009

Running On Empty

by Jake Wheeler, March 24, 2009

Nobody likes to get up early. At least, not when they know they have to go to work. Something happens when you're on vacation though. Instead of sleeping in, you get up early voluntarily. The waves are crashing and the sun is shining and birds are singing and you just get up without thinking twice. Is it because you don't need more sleep? No. You probably don't need more sleep in your daily life either. It's because of what's waiting for you when you do get up. Here it's all good. Otherwise it would be called something besides paradise. If it were called Crapville, nobody would ever wake up. In the city the fun happens when the work day is over. And getting up in the morning can feel like a slap in the face.

Which is where vacations come in. It gives you a balance. It makes you realize how the simplest things can make a person content. Like breathing air that doesn't hurt your lungs. Making a schedule based upon whatever pops into your head instead of running to catch up with obligations. It's easy to get stuck there, always reaching...when you find yourself unable to unwind, your brain going long after your body begs for a break, then it's time to pay me and The Reef a visit. Like taking your car to get serviced, your body will thank you for letting itself rejuvenate. And when you do return to your life, with renewed energy, and a rested mind, you may just find your goals are not so unattainable after all.

The Stars I Hang Out With

by Jake Wheeler, March 12, 2009

I used to live in New York City. The Big Apple. The City That Never Sleeps. Filled with all manner of bright shiny lights. A marvel of the industrial revolution and a sterling example of how man can come together and, in only a short time, fill an entire island with several hundred thousand tons of concrete shooting up into the sky. At night, the skyline is glorious. The sky? Not so much. In fact, if you look up at night, you'll be lucky to see the moon, unless you're an actor in a movie and they have added one in post.ﾠ

It's not until you get out of the city that the real night lights can be seen. The stars. Here, in Grand Cayman they are everywhere. Thousands and millions of white dots gleam down on the lucky ones who get to visit. Looking at them never gets old. The stars humble you. Looking up at them brings you out of yourself and your problems and worries and stresses and - without speaking a word - puts you in your place. You realize that the real real world is all around us if we take the time to notice. Living in New York you can convince yourself that the real world is created by humans. It's healthy to get away every now and then and realize how silly you are. It's also relaxing. Because you realize that you don't need to put so much pressure on yourself. In a million years, when the lights on the hover buildings in Spaceport Manhattania have long since gone out, the stars in the sky will look down on our ancestors.ﾠ

I know I have a point. Or I had one...Oh yeah! You should come to The Reef in Grand Cayman and stare up at the stars. It's a glorious sight. And, chances are, it's one you can't find in civilization. Man, all this attempted philosophizing is giving me a headache. I think it's time for a Rum Punch...

--The Relaxed One

The Perfect Vacation Length: An Analysis

by Jake Wheeler, March 12, 2009

It's not easy choosing how long to go on vacation. Some countries give you several weeks of vacation a year. Others give you several hours. Europeans, for example, tend to take longer vacations. It's not unusual to have someone from Germany stay as long as a month. It's also not unusual for someone from New York to visit for three days and spend the whole time panicked that they are missing something. Like car accidents.

As the world's foremost relaxation guru, I have seen all kinds of vacationers. There is no correct answer as to how long a vacation should be. It all depends on your personality and your tolerance for relaxation. If you're the type that tosses and turns all night because you wish you were sitting in a meeting taking notes about something, a two week vacation is probably a recipe for madness. However, if you go to lunch and return to the office only to find the doors are locked and the lights are off, then a three week vacation might not be long enough.

It comes down to how much you like your job. If you like your job a little bit, than a week long vacation might be all it takes to convince you never to return to work. Personally, It didn't a take long vacation -once I'd been to Grand Cayman and The Reef and had a nervous breakdown in a tree in Manhattan - for me to realize that my days in the rat race had come to an end.ﾠ

The goal of a vacation is to relax. That being said, you aren't ever going to relax if you planned to take two weeks off and you find yourself frantically emailing co-workers on day two. Just as you won't relax if you know your vacation will end before it even gets started. Take a look inside yourself and ask whatever you find in there what your vacation and paradise tolerance is. Do you enjoy not having to think about work? Can you enjoy a place called paradise? Do you feel incomplete without a necktie? Does the idea of not worrying about anything fill you with terror? It is important to ask yourself these questions and any others you feel like asking yourself and then answering yourself to truly understand the vacation that is right for you.

As far as where to go, the answer is pretty simple. The Reef is simply the best way to vacation, regardless of your vacation tolerance.

ﾠ

--The Relaxed One

Beware of "Long Walks On The Beach"

by Jake Wheeler, March 11, 2009

It's something you always hear about. It's a cliche really, the long walk on the beach. It's always spoken about as a wonderful romantic thing for couples to do: "I like long walks on the beach..." It's my guess that the people who claim to like such a thing are either reading off a cue card or speaking metaphorically. Those of us who have actually taken long walks on the beach would never say such a thing. It happened to me when I first moved to Grand Cayman and The Reef. I was marveling at the beautiful long sandy beach and the myriad of mesmerizing blues in the water and I began to walk. I looked at shells and birds and fish and lizards and all sorts of interesting things. I looked at palm trees and fishing boats and dolphins and the setting sun.ﾠ

And then I realized I was thirsty. I looked back the way I had come and there was no sign of The Reef. There was no sign of anything except sand. I had somehow gotten lost in paradise and had walked miles and miles. Which meant I had to walk miles and miles back. That's when I realized my legs were sore. And my feet hurt. And, boy, was I ever thirsty. I wanted to take a nap. I like naps. Naps are important. But not as much as I wanted to down a huge jug of ice water...

So this is a long walk on the beach, I thought. This is what all the fuss is about? I had plenty of time to ponder the long walk on the beach as I trudged back to The Reef on what was left of my energy reserves. I don't think anyone really likes long walks on the beach. I think people claim they like long walks on the beach. But what they really like is short to somewhat medium walks on the beach. Long walks on the beach are for Olympic speed walker training. Or an episode of Survivorman. Certainly not for a romantic interlude. In fact, I would argue the opposite. When your feet hurt and your tongue is a dry sponge in your mouth and your blood sugar has dropped through the bottom of your body's blood sugar meter, all you can think about is your own survival. Flirting and holding hands (unless to prop one another up) is simply out of the question.ﾠ

I don't know how long I walked that day. But I would venture to say it was probably in the neighborhood of twenty miles. It was no picnic I can assure you. Long live the short walk on the beach. Or, my favorite, the mental walk on the beach from the comfort of a beach chair.

ﾠ

--The Relaxed One

The Green Flash

by Jake Wheeler, March 5, 2009

It's one of those things that invariably come up whenever there's a group of people watching a sunset. Someone says "watch for the green flash!" And then someone else says, "there's no such thing!" That second someone is me. I've been watching for a long time and I have yet to see a green flash. I would say it's an urban myth. But nobody can see the sun setting in urban areas. So it must be a tropical myth...

At least I think it is. After years of marveling at spectacular Caribbean sunsets, only to be disappointed at the lack of any green flash, I don't have a choice. I have often looked as the sun disappeared over the horizon and heard many people swear they saw a green flash. People right next to me looking at the same sunset are saying this. Either they have tricked themselves into seeing it; they are only saying they saw it to show off about their keenness of eyesight; I am incapable of discerning the color green at night over large bodies of water; or I stare at the sun so long looking for the green flash that by the time the flash occurs I have large holes in my retina from staring at the sun too long...Oy! There are so many possibilities it's overwhelming! Because it's not like you can ever find out. You can't turn to the person next to you and accuse them of green flash fraud. That would be petty. It's also unbecoming of the world's foremost trademark pending relaxation guru.ﾠ

I'm not going to let it get to me though. I will continue to look for this so-called green flash. Even though I'm pretty sure it doesn't exist. And I'll do it because I can. Because I live in paradise where the sun puts on a spectacular light display night after night after night...

ﾠ

--The Relaxed One

Looking Into The Eyes Of The Blue Iguana

by Jake Wheeler, March 5, 2009

Hereﾒs one you canﾒt try at home. And itﾒs almost impossible to try here. In fact, it might not even be legal. But Iﾒve been working at The Reef for a long time and have spent years cultivating their trust. At this point you may be wondering what Iﾒm talking about. What Iﾒm talking about is the relaxing properties of the Blue Iguana. When Iﾒm despondent or need a pick me up or just want to deflate my head a little bit, I look into the eyes of a Blue Iguana. The Cayman Islands are the only place you will find the elusive Blue Iguana. (Not even the Galapagos Islands, with its myriad of strange and unique animal species can claim to have a Blue Iguana.) I think that might explain why The Blue Iguana has such a deep and calming gaze. It oozes serenity. Its life, much like my own, consists of, well, not much of anything really. It eats and suns itself and then calls it a day. It doesnﾒt worry or have anxiety or need therapy. If it is approached, it simply and quite confidently scurries away. Usually down into some hole or up a tree. However, if you sit down ﾖ like I do, for several hours on end, and donﾒt move a muscle, and change your biorhythms to resemble that of a rock, slowly but surely a blue iguana will approach you and look you over. Eventually the two of you will make eye contact. And then ﾖ whoosh! ﾖ all of everything in your head will simply go away. You will become incapable of thought, transfixed by eyes that have lived through the ages. And a magical transference takes place. Your breath becomes deeper and more measured. And you understand that life doesnﾒt have to be complicated. It just is. Here is an animal in dire danger and fighting off extinction. It has many things to worry about. Yet, when you look in their eyes, there is no sign of distress. Perhaps it explains why it is one of the longest living lizards in the world. They live as long as vaudeville comedians, Blue Iguanas. Up to 80 years sometimesﾅ

Watch out when they bob their heads though! It means theyﾒre in heat and you would be well advised to high tail it back to The Reef and shut the screen door. In fact, now that I think about it, for liability reasons if nothing else, you should probably ignore all of the previous advice and merely book yourself a massage at The Reef. In fact, I might do that myself. In fact, I might do that right now.

Mardi Gras ﾖ Grand Cayman Style

by Jake Wheeler, March 3, 2009

Being a veteran of both the Mardi Gras in New Orleans and the one here in Grand Cayman, I can firmly say that Grand Cayman has the Crescent City beat by a nautical mile. For one thing, there are fewer people ﾖ by several million. For second, thereﾒs almost no chance of getting shot by gang members. You know what? Iﾒll just go ahead and say thereﾒs no chance. People here are simply too relaxed and laid back and flat out happy to bother with guns. Besides, a lot of us wear shorts and bathing suits and leisure wear and flip-flops and that doesnﾒt lend itself to walking around strapped. Weﾒve got the beads and the revelry and the shameless intoxication and all of the other fun stuff. But we take it a step further. Weﾒve got our own theme. We all act like weﾒre in a James Bond movie. It sounds cheesy. But when youﾒve had several liters of rum it doesnﾒt really matter. I looked like a character actor in a James Bond movie filmed in Grand Cayman. Tropical shirt, shorts, and flip-flops. The guy who drives James Bond around and then ends up held captive in a floating compound somewhere.

Our Mardi Gras isﾗas you might expectﾗand I wouldnﾒt have it any other wayﾗmuch more relaxing. We hang out in the tropical air, enjoy the breeze, listen to good music, and party like it isnﾒt Ash Wednesday. We donﾒt have the floats and there is no parade. But we do have beads. And even here in paradise some of us are not immune to that crazy lust people get whenever something ridiculous is thrown at them for free. I wasnﾒt a part of it, but there were a few overzealous souls grappling like gladiators for plastic trinkets. (I did catch the random necklace of beads that happened to land around my head. As the worldﾒs leading relaxation guru, it wouldnﾒt make sense to exert myself in the acquisition of beads.)

It was an all-day event. And I was there for most of it. I listened to the DJﾒs play and enjoyed plenty of rum and beer. I danced ﾖ leisurely and rarely ﾖ in the beginning, when the spirit took me. Later, as the sun began itﾒs descent, I took advantage of my advanced skill set in the art of napping and nodded off at times under a palm tree.

All in all, it was yet another lovely day in paradise. Only with beads.

ﾠ

WHEREﾒS THE FIRE?

by Jake Wheeler, February 21, 2009

If you compare people when they first get to The Reef and when they leave, there is a huge difference in their rate of speed. In the beginning they are desperate to get ahead of you, as if they are late for a bus. They get annoyed if theyﾒre behind a leisurely couple looking for shells. If they do walk on the beach, it's in a frenzy: ﾓYouwanttowalkonthebeach?Okay!letswalkonthebeach!ﾔ They charge down the beach like mall walkers high on Red Bull. Their heads are down and they hardly look where they are going. They seem impervious to the stunning vistas in all directions. The azure seas and palm trees and frolicking dolphins are completely ignored or missed.

It only takes a couple of days before they realize they donﾒt have to be anywhere. Itﾒs not that thereﾒs nowhere to go. There are plenty of places to go. Itﾒs that there is no penalty for getting there late or reward for getting there first. And thatﾒs the beauty of a good vacation. You do what you want whenever you want and nobody is standing around with a stopwatch timing you. You can tell when it happens, because you can hear their shouts. "Hey! There's a pool here!" "Honey! Look! A pool!" "Did you know there was an ocean here?"

Sometimes I wonder what happens to these people when they get back to their daily lives. Do people shove them out of the way for spending too much time enjoying everything they see? Do they stroll into work in the morning only to find their boss pointing at his or her watch and shaking their head? I doubt it. I donﾒt think anything changes at all. I think all that rushing around was something they were putting on themselves to do. I think, once The Reef has worked its magic, these people learn to go at their own pace. They don't get penalized. And theyﾒre happier for it.

--The Relaxed One

STEEL DRUMS AT SUNSET

by Jake Wheeler, February 19, 2009

Thereﾒs something about the sound of steel drums as the sun sets over the beach that make all of your problems melt away. It is almost impossible to worry when you hear the seductive sound of mallets hitting steel drums. Itﾒs the sound of paradise. When I see particularly wound up people here at The Reef ﾖ and I see a lot of tightly wound people ﾖ the first thing I do is suggest they make an appointment to get a massage. But there are many people who get anxious at the idea of getting a massage! These are the dire cases. The idea of relaxing makes them anxious. They worry they wonﾒt be able to relax. They try really hard, with all their might, to relax, and get frustrated when it doesnﾒt work. Of course, you canﾒt try to relax. Relaxing is the very opposite of effort. You tell them that, though, and they get even more distraught. These are the people who worry when they have nothing to worry about. They make up dire fantasies to keep themselves in a constant state of dread.

Thatﾒs when itﾒs time for the steel drums. There is magic in the drums. These hopelessly uptight people who canﾒt seem to relax slowly begin to unwind. Their shoulders loosen. Their eyes brighten. And, despite themselves, they begin to unwind. Their problems dissipate as they give in to the sound. Try it for yourself. Listen to the sound of steel drums and see if you can worry about anything. It simply wonﾒt work.

ﾠ

--The Relaxed One

It Never Snows In Paradise

by Jake Wheeler, February 19, 2009

Being the world's foremost relaxation guru, I hear a lot of stories. Most of my clients come from cold climates and talk about shoveling their driveway and having to plug in their cars and how their nose hairs freeze when they go to work in the morning. I can relate. I didn't always live in paradise. I used to live in this place my mom always called "the real world." Then I did some traveling. And I realized the real world is a lot bigger than my mom made it out to be. A whole lot bigger. In fact, most of the "real world" is water! So I forgot about the real world and focused on living somewhere that I never had to worry about my hair freezing or seeing my breath in the shower because the hot water heater broke or wearing gloves to bed at night. Instead, my days are spent walking on the beach and eating fresh fruit and enjoying good music and making friends and collecting shells and following turtle tracks and sailing and scuba diving and listening to the waves come in through the screen door in my room at The Reef at night. If this isn't the real world, I'm perfectly happy living in it.

My Pet Shell

by Jake Wheeler, February 12, 2009

I was doing my morning ritual here at The Reef. What is my morning ritual? Well, what I do is, I go out to the beach - which goes on forever - and look out in awe at the sand stretching forth in both directions. I take a deep breath and enjoy how lucky I am to be where I am. Then I imagine taking a long walk. But I wouldn't be the world's foremost relaxation expert if I actually took a long walk. Long walks aren't my bag; short walks are. (Extremely short ones are in fact my specialty.) Then I walk out into the ocean and float around for a bit.

As I was walking back to The Reef to begin my day saving people from their stressed out selves, I noticed a perfectly cute little conch shell next to my foot. It's rare to find such a perfect shell, so I picked it up and put it in my bathing suit. When I got to my room I put the shell on the railing and went to take shower.

When I came back out I thought it odd that the shell was four feet further down the railing from where I had left it. Odd, I thought. But I didn't freak out or anything. Freaking out is not my bag; not freaking out is. But I did stare long and hard at my new pet shell. And, lo and behold, the thing grew legs and began walking away! That's when it hit me: That's somebody's house! I picked up the little thing and right there looking up at me was a little bitty hermit crab. I immediately dropped everything I wasn't doing and took the little fella' back to where I found it.

What is the point of all this? Beats me really. However - should you find yourself at The Reef - and you really should! - take a good long look at any shells you find along the way.

There's No Such Thing As Beautiful Parrot Fish Week.

by Jake Wheeler, February 12, 2009

As the world's foremost relaxation expert, stressed out people from around the world come to me looking to relax. Some of them, when they first get to The Reef, can't stop screaming. Once I calm them down by my mere presence, I ask them if they watch television. Almost all of them watch the news and read the news and talk about the news almost all the time. Not me. One can't relax; much less become an expert at it, by watching the news. The news is designed to strike fear in our hearts. It's designed to instill panic and create the desire to find out what manner of craziness is coming next.

What they don't tell you, because it's not as alarming, is all of the glorious things that happen every day. They don't talk about the sun slowly setting over palm trees as waves lap gently on a white-sand beach. They don't chronicle a loving couple walking hand in hand staring out at a mesmerizing azure sea. They ignore the many miracles that paradise conjures up on a daily basis.

So, my advice is, for those who can't fly to the Cayman Islands and rejuvenate here at The Reef, do your immune system a favor and turn off the television.

--The Relaxed One

There's No Need For Weather Reports In Paradise

by Jake Wheeler, February 11, 2009

When you live in paradise, like I do, there's no need to find out what the weather will be. It will be perfect. All the time. So why waste your time listening to some bozo tell you the weather will be perfect? Exactly. That's why we only have one weatherman. He sports a long beard and spends his days lazing about on the beach. Occasionally, every couple of years or so, some sort of weather event will require us to clean him up and drive him to the studio so he can tell us what the weather will be. But those days are few and far between.

Insomnia Is For People Who Have To Get Up In The Morning

by Jake Wheeler, February 5, 2009

Ever since I quit trying to get ahead in the world, and no longer had to show up somewhere and punch in at a certain time, I have slept like a baby. (Not all babies. Not babies that don't sleep and cry all the time. But babies that sleep through the night, if such things exist.) I'm not saying to get a good night's sleep you should quit your job. But I think it's interesting that when you have the ability to sleep in you no longer need to. Because the pressure to sleep is simply not there. If you try really hard to fall asleep you'll stare at the ceiling and beat your pillow with frustrated fists.ﾠ

So here's what you do: you put the pressure on staying awake. Ever try really hard to stay awake? It's impossible. Every time I try to stay awake I end up falling asleep. Before we go much further I must make it clear that if you try really hard to stay awake by drinking several pitchers of coffee and attaching electrodes to your eyeballs you will probably succeed. (You will also be a lunatic!)

So try it. Get in bed. Stare at the ceiling. And see what happens.

ﾠ

- The Relaxed One

On Parrot Fish

by Jake Wheeler, January 13, 2009

This blog entry is about something that I learned the hard way when I first got here. And that is this: no matter how hard you try, you will never teach a parrot fish to talk. They may have a similar plumage. They may have the word parrot in their name. But try as you might it's a fool's errand to teach them to ask for a cracker. Besides, it's dangerous. Talking underwater is as close as a person can get to drowning on purpose. And who needs that? Nobody. So don't do it.

Island Time (An Explanation)

by Jake Wheeler, December 15, 2008

In the islands, time passes differently. It can be shocking for those who have been raised by the watch ﾖ with its hours and minutes and seconds. Here, at The Reef, time is broken down much more simply:

Day

This is when the sun is out and its warm and you can see stuff.

Night

This is when the moon is out and it is dark and people usually go to sleep.

There are no appointments or deadlines in paradise. People simply do things at some point during the day or night. So take that watch off your wrist and forget all about it. It's no good to you here. For this is paradise and time just gets in the way.